HOLY CRAP NUGGETS!
That be my face! /GASP
Yeah… for the intents and purposes of this post? A person could not be real-er if you didn’t have a face to put to the name.
As of late real life has been very kind to me (knock on wood let’s hope the streak continues), but all too often I’m seeing folks who are unsure in themselves, uncomfortable in their own skin, unsure if they’re worthy of being someone’s love, so on and so forth.
/pats the chair
Sit down; let’s have a little chat.
A lot of folks most often see me as this SUPER happy-go-lucky lady with a love for pizza and an optimistic view on EVERYTHING; Probably even turds if such a thing is possible. Things weren’t always like this though. Just around this time last year a lot of gnarly shit went down, and gnarly is an understatement to how it felt. From getting that frightful call from my doctor suggesting I come in and get a biopsy because it’s possible I could have ovarian cancer, to living with my at-the-time boyfriend and us breaking up and me moving out? This all happened in the span of FIVE DAYS.
/arms fold across the chest
Well LET ME TELL YOU; that was easily the hardest time I’ve ever had to endure. I never really picked myself up off the ground from that until… February of this year? Seven months I was in a frenzied state. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, was constantly worrying and stressed so much I was losing hair (and lots of it). I’m happy to report I’ve since then recovered from a time I call “The Dark Ages”, but I had to learn a lot on the way. Bear these words with an ear to hear, and a heart to receive. It may not work for everybody, but they got me through the toughest of times:
1. Cry. It’s Totally Okay To
I hate crying. I did so much of it in the first grade I thought for sure I’d be dehydrated by the time I was eleven. Alas, I was wrong and during those seven months I would cry the minute I cracked and buckled under pressure or a potential plan of attack fell through. I was always under the perception that crying doesn’t fix things, and to some degree it doesn’t. BUT—- it was therapeutic. It reminded me that I wasn’t really Shiva underneath. Going into a hospital alone, and having to get a biopsy done by yourself is both a courageous and equally scary thing. The only thing I had in tow with me to get me through the procedure was a plastic figure of Blanka. My poor doctor just gave me that pitiful look, and there I was bawling. Once she let me cry it out, she explained to me that I wasn’t her first or her last patient that would probably do the same thing, but she did assure me that it was okay to cry. So if a DOCTOR says it’s okay? Then I think it’s okay too.
2. Finding Your Strength In Numbers, Both In Game and Out
It’s an all too common practice for people to build and forge relationships with either complete strangers in real life, or on the Internet. Hell— I met that former boyfriend on OkCupid! Just because you meet someone online either on one of those matchmaking sites, or in my case, in an MMO that doesn’t make the person any less significant to the family and friends you have surrounding you. I’m normally not one to put my feelings and problems out in a public forum for folks to potentially judge and criticize. During those late nights though when I couldn’t sleep, my heart ached, and I just needed someone to talk to? I wound up logging into FFXIV, and sitting in front of the FC house talking to my friend Travis on Mumble who is also my Eorzean husband, S’pharin Sunkist. He’s an odd type that Sun, but he is a great listener and is someone that managed to ease my mind with his funny anecdotes, his own life experiences, and his words of encouragement. In a lot of areas of my life he’s attributed to giving me the confidence and strength to do things I was either to afraid to try or would even dream of doing. To date, we’ve never met face-to-face, but I’m thankful that in some small capacity he’s in my life. Psst Sun…. FANTASIA BACK INTO A LALAFELL AGAIN PLEASE.
3. Compassion Begins With Self
Ever since I was a kid, I was always one of those big faith folks in the sense that just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. The faith in myself and what I could endure though was tried and tested many times especially during this time. When I couldn’t catch a break, a plan fell through the cracks, or something (anything really) didn’t work out? I blamed and judged myself harshly for it.
“He broke up with you because you’re just not good enough”
“You didn’t get this apartment because your credit score should’ve been higher“
“This is all happening to you because you don’t deserve anything good”
Whoever that person was that quoted “We are our own worst critic?” That homeboy was spot on. You eventually reach a limit though, and something is said or done that becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back. When you reach that point? Let 1. happen first, and naturally 2. will follow on backup. Don’t ever give up on yourself. You learn your true limits when you’ve fallen to the ground for the 100th time, and still manage to pick yourself up. A person’s physique is a moot point compared to a person’s inner strength, and when your mind and body finally see eye-to-eye? You get tons of shit done. You build back up the person you once were. There’s always someone believing in you; you just have to look in the mirror to see them first.