Ali Rants · Blaugust

BLAUGUST Day 29 – Easing a Nervous Mind

For more information on the Blaugust Initiative, you can click the link HERE and join in on the fun this month!

I told myself prior to starting Pizza Maid that I would never let this blog become a “Dear Diary”. I lied to myself. Eventually I was going to have a moment where I was at an impasse on my emotions. Emotions mixed with nervousness, anxiety, excitement and all points in between. Still here you are blog. Reader, if you would be so kind as to let me just vent my thoughts just to gain some clarity and to take care of business today I’d greatly appreciate it. 🙂

Five days. Five days until he finally gets here and we meet for the first time. This isn’t the first instance where I was days away from meeting someone miles away; someone I had invested emotions in. Yet this? This feels SO different. Is it because I’ve aged and matured over these last few years? Is it the fact that my heart’s hurt and ached to an exhaustive level in the past? Or is it the fact that the person arriving in five days is beyond my wildest imagination and dreams? Is it the fact that even months after we began talking, he still gives me butterflies in my stomach? I’m going to assume it’s the latter as opposed to the former. Someone that I’ve always wanted to give my heart to DOES exist in this world, and this someone reciprocates the same feelings in return.

THAT’S SO SCARY, AND YET SO EXCITING.

I started my morning as per the norm; groggy and still half asleep. After conversing with him though in our usual morning chats and him showing me his phone that we were five days away from meeting each other? I panicked. I feel a sense of  little preparation. Is everything in order for when he gets here? Do we have a rundown of what we plan on doing and how to get there? OH MY GOD DID I BUY TRAVEL PACKS OF SHAMPOO. All the details big and small are of great importance to me.

I want him to explore the sights and sounds of New York City as I’ve come to learn and love this ol’ concrete jungle. I want to make sure he’s comfortable wherever he is, make sure he’s well fed and nourished and never not smiling. Above all else… I want him to be happy with the person that wants to see him smile constantly. I’d be lying if I said my insecurities of the past are slowly creeping up on me as we near closer to Thursday. I’ll never expect to be beyond someone’s wildest dreams and imagination like he is for me, but I want to be just enough. I’m no supermodel and I’ve accepted that. I am a person with a big heart though and can give my all in everything I do and to those I choose to put my walls down for. I know how to give myself wholly and to treat someone the way they deserve to be treated. Him? I think him deserving to be treated like a king is an understatement at this point. I value and treasure him just as he is; no changes necessary. He tried to settle my nervousness with soothing words and thoughts of assurance. It did help until I had to hang up on Skype. Then the worry came back.

I’m just glad I was able to get this out though. I know now I can type rather proficiently through worry and fear tears stinging my eyes and cheeks. Now that I can remove some scrutiny running through my mind I just want to pick myself up, and take care of all the little errands I want to do before he arrives in a few days.  I’m sure I’ll have plenty to post about with PAX Prime in full swing this weekend and Blaugust drawing to a close soon. I’ll be back to posting the fun stuff soon.

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