I’ve got a million thoughts running through my head, but my fingers feel kind of numb to type it all. Here goes…
I got a call earlier today from my doctor, which later led to me just going dark on Twitter. I really appreciate the outpouring of folks who reached out to me in private DMs asking me what’s wrong. I don’t normally air my dirty laundry or private life, but if I explain once in one post, then it’s just as easy as having to write it to seven people, seven times with a 140 character limit. I just need a few hours to absorb the news, breathe, and take action so please take no offense if I’m not quick to respond. I’m going to be distant. I wound up rolling an Au’Ra Xaela named Queen Mab just to distract me from thinking about it. Thanks Yoshi-P and devs.
Around this time last year, my doctor had me go through with a biopsy procedure since there were abnormal cells in my ovaries. I got the call that the cells were benign and was told that I should keep my immunity up so that my body could fight whatever the cell abnormality was in a few weeks to a few months time. Standard procedure would mean that I would get checked every year extensively to make sure it’s gone or leaving.
I went two weeks ago to my doctor and got my annual check up. From what sounded like a healthy “all signs are clear” I got the call again today. My lab work came back; my cells are abnormal again.
“Miss Rue… your blood work came back with abnormalities again. We’d like to do another biopsy.”
“Well… jingles. *Sigh* How many samples this time?”
“Last year we took out three samples. To examine you closer, we may take out 4-6 samples this time.”
“Really. You can bring your Blanka figure and another Street Fighter figure this time.”
I’m angry. I’m angry with myself. I think for the most part I try to keep up with a healthy lifestyle. Eat well, exercise when I can, keep away from harmful substances. Why is this happening again? What does this mean? Well the biopsy alone sucks so having to be awake while they take out the samples isn’t going to be fun. Plus I don’t know what any of this means. From what my doctor told me this could mean there’s a virus that’s still fighting / exiting in my system. It could mean that the cells aren’t benign anymore. What does this mean for me for the future? Could this be early stages of cancer? Am I going to be able to carry a child? I don’t know. I feel broken.
I called Mommicus Prime immediately following the call. Apparently my sister also endured the same issues so it’s possible that this may be hereditary. She wound up having two healthy kids, so for that much I felt slightly better. Plus speaking to Samo-chan helped. He assured me that I wasn’t going to have to go through with this this time alone; he’d be here every step of the way. When he comes to visit on Thursday, we’ll go look for a new figure to carry with me to the procedure so I have something to hold on to so I’m not alone.
I’d be lying if I said I’m not scared. I’m super scared all over again and I’m going to be nervous in anticipation for the procedure, and then even more nervous in waiting those 1-2 weeks for the results. I thought I was fine and that I beat this. To know that I’m not in the clear makes me wonder if long term damage could affect me later on down the road. I’m not sure what else to do except take it as it comes. I’ll hear back from them next week when I can go in and get the procedure done, and I’ll just have to do my best to be strong… again.